Sunday, June 24

Troubles in Paradise

- Wow, I expected Japan to be far more expensive - I keep hearing from people coming and going, the temporary visitors. - I prepared so much money, I was prepared for such a dent in family finances, but I'm taking so much home!

Japan is one of these countries where high-tech trains and gadgets just give you that luxurious feel. It's the halo effect of the extortionately priced plane tickets - if you pay that much for a plane ticket, you just assume The Other Side must be worth it, and be equally expensive and extravagant. That's kind of subconscious, a part of a deal.

And then you land in Japan, and after you've paid for your hotel and transport, you notice that eating out is cheap like hell. Being a temporary visitor, you have no other choice than to rely on the restaurants out there.

At the same time there is me - a pretty normal twenty-something girl with not much, and not even wanting that much. I'm extremely fortunate to be able to study and follow my dream. I owe everything to my parents that pay for my dwelling, my food, and occassionally, for my attire. Of course, I try to earn money whenever I can, I just have limited possibilities to do that when I'm practically studying for 18 hours a day.

I do not eat that much. I do not have extra money for entertainment, or anything particularly fun, because it takes a hell lot of money (if I remember correctly, last time I went karaoke was in January). I do not go to clubs, as I don't particularly like it, and it's really expensive (2000-3000 yen plus drinks at least 500 yen each). I do not do that much sightseeing, partly because I've seen most of it, but partly because each visit to the temple, shrine, or even a museum is certain to rip you off at least 500 yen each and every time, not to mention the bus or train fare you need for the trip, each around 400-500 yen return (it has become really hot recently, and the sun is really strong, it's kind of dangerous to have too far bike rides now). Since I've fallen out with my best friend here (long story short, I thought I had found a real friend while she just needed a close acquaintance to kill some time with till she could get a real girlfriend. When she finally did, she made it very clear she didn't intend to spend her limited time with people she's not intetested at anymore. Still painful, as now I wish I hadn't wasted time with somebody like her.), I haven't gone out for weeks. I get myself a book from time to time, but if I do, it's hardly for fun, rather for further study or furture enjoyment once I finally master the language enough to understand what I'm reading. My last lavish expense were 3 dresses from Pepperberry and a discounted cardigan for autumn, hardly a designer label, but things that finally fit my boobs and not make me depressed every time I go to the shop.

The only things I buy on a daily basis is food. The only thing that cheers me up is to get some ingredients and cook something edible, which frankly is a hell of a challenge here. Food is the most expensive thing here, yet and inavoidable expense. And, it's the well-known truth worldwide that the processed, unhealthy crap is the cheapest. A cup ramen (instant chinese noodles) will cost you just 98 yen, but to make exacly the same ramen from the scratch will set you back at least 1000 yen. It's not really worth it when you realize you can get a good one from ramen-ya (ramen shop) at something around 800.

I'm cooking my food from the scratch. I always have, and I would always like to. I feel healthy and fit eating my way, a fast food or chocolate being a very rare treat. I thought that I've put my all resources wisely, investing in food. And it's not that I go and spend it on anything lavish or extravagant, just normal vegetables, occassional fruits (very expensive) and meat. Just soy milk, eggs and butter. An odd chocolate or an ice-cream. A very rare and expensive treat, salami. Not particularly good, but tolerable bread from a bakery. I thought that from all I was doing, at least I got SOMETHING right.

That's why I was saddened by the e-mail I got from my parents, urging me to 'limit my consumption'. What shall I limit? It's so tough to limit what I already am limitting, plus food was my sole entertainment here. But the most unfair I find is that they repeatedly fail to understand that the food is priced differently that back in Poland, and keep bombarding me with the argument that my monthly food expenses exceed the food cost for all three of them. Yes, I want to say, but give me your shopping list for a week and I would convert all your food expenses into yen, we'll see whether it's still twice as low as mine.

I just feel sad. Really sad, because the tone of the e-mail suggests that I'm a shoppaholic and I got 'lured by an easiness of operating the credit card'. I am not. I seriously am not. Every time I draw the card I'm making sure whether I need something or not. Every time I get something with it I am thanking my father for being so generous. I do not get myself lavish designer shoes I don't need or hell knows how unnecessary caviar or semi-fermented coffee beans pooed by some monkeys, the most expensive coffee on Earth. 95% all all my expenses goes on food anyway,

I just feel that recently everything is so against me. The studying is so tough right the moment, there is so much stress building up in this last month. I feel I'm not achieving as much as I should, as I'm just not as bright as everybody else. I got my sister placed on my shoulders in the last week of my study here, which is the last thing in the world I need or am looking forward to now, to be honest, and it's just infuriating I was in no position to refuse, as it would have been perceived as ungratefulness. The fact that I have to pack all my life in few bags and boxes again and move, whist still not having anywhere to go to live in London from September, is weighing on me heavily. I won't have any holidays this year either to forget about all that (not that I'm a sissy that needs holidays every year, I am fine without anything, really, but I realize one can't expect much after being generously offered  a year in Japan plus return tickets, even if that was barely a holiday). Then I'm so stressed and hurt by having trusted someone and being dumped like an old, unnecessary rag, and now, on top of that, I obviosly can't manage my resources, which I thought was the only area I was kind of coping well for the time being.

I try not to take it personally, I know that times are tough and one has to save, but I'm just so tired of all that. I'm tired of Japan, this country full of seriously limited people in many regards. I'm tired of studying. I'm tired of not having anything to look forward to. Now I seriously spend all my days in my bed, either sleeping or crying, which is definitely cost-effective, as you don't eat much. I just wish I could disappear. Just like that, pop!, and be gone. No fuss and no drama, just... vanish. Without anybody noticing.

I often dream of that. Feels so... refreshing.